Friday, 18 September 2015

Rambling Through My Anxiety Attack | Personal

This post is NOT planned. I am literally sitting in my apartment alone, crying, feeling so overwhelmed and anxious about the fact that I'm alone. 

This is unedited.

This is un scripted.

This is raw.

This is the real deal of how I feel at this exact moment in time of utter panic. I'm so scared of being here alone and feeling like if anything goes wrong there is nobody here to help me. With the health issues I have, it's so terrifying that if something happened to me, who would even know for days to come?

My family isn't here.

My friends aren't here.

My mom isn't here.

I really thought I was doing fine here. I really thought I was keeping everything together and that I was on track. It's finally hit me just how terrifying this all really is. I'm so far away from the people I love and it's such a scary thought. I'm so used to my big, crazy family and being here is so quiet and lonely... 

I'm relying on the Lord a lot. I know that being here is in His plan, but what if His plans are changing? What if He has decided that I'm not ready for this and that I need to go home? I really want to go home... I just have to cry out to the Lord to give me the strength I need to carry me through these hard and scary days. Through Christ's love anything is possible. If He believes in me then I should also believe in myself. He has my best interest at heart and He wouldn't place me here if it wasn't where He thought I should be. I have to know that and I have to take comfort in that. I need to cast my anxieties onto the Lord and put my full faith in Him. 

I'm so scared.

I'm so alone.

I'm so tired.

My breathing is getting better now. I feel myself calming down and my heart beginning to slow. Gosh, I hate anxiety. It's Friday night, I got invited to my first party of the school year (I mean I wasn't planning on going anyways because I don't party but still). Everyone is out having fun and I'm sitting in my apartment balling my eyes out and calling my mommy like a baby. Are these feelings normal? Are my peers having similar experiences? 

These are the kinds of things nobody ever warned me about. Everyone talked so much about how much fun I will have and how much I'll love the city and how much I'll love my program. 

And all of that is true. 

But I wasn't prepared for this...