Friday, 15 April 2016

A Single Revelation | Personal

I've been single now for almost two full years and I'm okay with it.
Being single isn't easy. As humans we have an innate yearning for human companionship and romance. These desires are impossible to ignore and when unfulfilled can leave you with a crippling feeling of loneliness. 

I fell victim to these thoughts. 
Everything seemed to always come back to my singleness. Wether it was my own thoughts or conversations with others, the topic always circled back to the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend. 

I found myself finding refuge in my room to avoid discussing my romantic life- or lack there of. I found solace in writing (so was born this blog). 

I spent a lot of time alone, avoiding people and going out. Even co-workers would ask me about my love life! They would go so far as to point out attractive men that came through my checkout at Canadian Tire.

As a single woman I think it's so degrading to always be asked about when I will find a man for myself. As if I need a man in my life to be complete. 
I started to throw myself into fitness and becoming a better, healthier me. This wasn't driven entirely by intrinsic motivation. A lot of my desire to become fit came from my ex-boyfriend who made some pretty harsh comments about the weight I had gained. 

What began as revenge became self love.
I began to discover my passions and explore myself as an individual. I was finally taking care of my body and it only seemed right to start taking care of my mind as well. I was introduced to photography and I fell in love with it.

I realize that despite being a social butterfly, I am largely a very introverted person by nature. I began to make a conscious effort to tend to both those qualities of myself. If I needed alone time, I took it. Music and books have become my safe place. 
I surround myself with the best of the best! I had to go through the very heart breaking process of cutting out toxic friends. As hard as it was I feel as though it was the first step in healing my soul and becoming a whole person. The people you surround yourself with have a profound impact on how you view yourself and the world you live in. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends to walk through life with. 
Getting closer with my family- especially my mom- has really helped me over these past two years. I love them all so much and knowing that they always have my back no matter what is very reassuring. I'm never truly alone as long as I have family.
I came to Ottawa with the intention to run away. 

Run away from my previous life.
Run away from the questions about being single. 
Run away from my ex-boyfriend. 
Run away from the toxic friends.

I did run away from all those things, but along the way I ran into myself. I know who I am now and I love who I am. I feel so at peace with myself and my past and I'm very much looking forward to moving back and rebuilding my life in the place I call home. 

My revelation came late last night as I was day dreaming about my future whilst washing my face. I realized that all the plans I was dreaming up were for me. 

Just me.

There was no imaginary man by my side or thoughts of my wedding or marriage or honey moon or children. My future aspirations all belong to me and what I want as far as my career and house etc goes.

I have realized that I am at peace with being a single woman. Love may come or it may not and I'm okay with that. For the first time in my life I see a future for me not an imaginary us

I think all this time I've been trying to convince myself that I was okay with being single. That wasn't the true issue though. I didn't need to just be okay with being on my own, I needed to be okay with who I was on my own. I needed to be okay with me. 

It's very liberating to know that no matter what happens I am strong enough on my own to handle anything that comes my way. 

I have all I need.

Thanks for reading & check back again to see what KatieDidd, xo